Setting Priorities for Better Self-Care
With many changes in how we work and maintain a work-life balance, it's no wonder people are focusing more on their internal journey. Self-care is more than just taking time for yourself. Let’s explore how understanding your priorities and your needs are the keys to better self-care.
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Rob:
So self-care has become a word that's been thrown around a lot over the last several years, and it's really not a surprise. With the pandemic happening and work-life balance changing and work getting closer to our house and all of the other things going on, it's no doubt that we're thinking more about that internal journey and how we're taking care of ourselves so that we can keep doing it. And I think that when we really break it apart, we have to be able to look at how do we prioritize that care so that it happens.
And there is two different Adam Grant tweets or Instagram posts that really struck me in the last couple of weeks as we were preparing for this.
The first is “Achieving your goals is not about being more efficient in your tasks, it's about being more selective in your commitments. More free time in the future is an illusion. You won't be less busy, you'll just be busy with new priorities. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.”
And the second is “A busy life is not a status symbol. It's a symptom of trying to do too much for too many people. A full calendar brings a surplus of stress and a shortage of energy. Reflecting and relaxing should be top priorities. Unscheduled time isn't wasted, it's invested in wellbeing.”
And I couldn't think of a more appropriate quote to start this conversation with Traci about how do we prioritize self-care so that we can chase our priorities and actually achieve them.
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Rob:
How's it going, Traci?
Traci:
Good. I love this topic.
I think it's a great topic too going into summer. I think kids are going to be getting out of school and people are planning vacations and even our vacations can feel not restful. And so I think that it is a good time to hit reset on self-care.
But one of the most fascinating things about the first quote you read from Adam Grant is the whole being selective in your commitments and how that is completely tied to priorities. And I find that the people who have the hardest time with self-care are the people who have the hardest time setting priorities.
Rob:
That's really good. I mean, that makes sense. If you don't have a small number of things, and we've talked about setting goals and how somewhere between two and three goals is achievable and something you should chase, then you're kind of going to be subject to chasing a lot of things. Without those top priorities set, then you are going to be, you're going to chase whatever the whim of the day is.
Traci:
I think it's this weird mix of not having overarching priorities and goals that are kind of your compass for the year, where you want to go. That would be the first thing. Because if you have set priorities for the coming year, and these are the things that you want to achieve, or this is the ultimate goal, your vision you want to get to, then it's your filter. So everything that comes your way, you can say, “Is this going to further my vision?” Or “Is this going to get me to my goal by December? Or whatever. And so it's this constant filter, and then you can use that filter as a yes or no.
But even if you have those priorities, if you're not using it as a filter or you have the personality type that has a hard time saying no, feels guilty a lot, feels like…has FOMO even, like “If I don't say yes and I'm going to miss out and what am I missing out on?” They don't have confidence in saying no. There's all sorts of things that can wreak havoc with us. And then we start to say yes to a bunch of things and we have this overfilled plate.
And to the second quote, this busy life that's not productive and it's not productive because it's not getting our priorities achieved. So we have this unproductive busy life and there's nothing worse. There's no worse feeling to me than to be super busy and know it's not producing the results I ultimately want. So then I'm just busy.
For me, it's a super uncomfortable feeling and I'm not immune to it by any means. I do suffer the guilt thing. I have high empathy, so I feel people's feelings. And so when they're coming to me with this feeling that they really, and I can feel they really want me to do something or whatever, it's hard for me to say no. And even at my age, you would think it would be easier. But when I look at my list of priorities that are by my desk, then I'm able to say, "Use the filter. Use the filter. Use the filter."
Rob:
I think for me on that whole point is it was really, and not that I'm perfect at this, I'm still a work in progress. But it was flipping my starting position, is starting with a no and letting yes be something I was talked into instead of starting with a yes on new commitments. Because what I ultimately realize, and I'm saying this as much for me as everyone else, is there is an infinite amount of good things I can spend my time on, but I have a finite number of time and energy. And every time I say yes to something, it's saying no to a whole bunch of unknowns. If I don't leave space to say yes to an amazing opportunity later, because most of my career has been—and I think yours too—is how do we do work to provide more opportunities later, better opportunities?
And if I'm not planning and leaving room for those better opportunities, then I'm going to have to schedule myself into oblivion or overstretch myself for not leaving room for self-care or the other things that are really important because something will come along that looks like such an amazing opportunity. I just couldn't say no. What if we only said yes to that stuff? I think we'd all be in a little bit better shape, wouldn't we?
Traci:
And I think, I heard this recently and it really sat with me because sometimes we'll say yes to things that are out in the future. And so it's hard. So say we're asked to speak in an event or we're asked to serve on a committee or we're asked to take on a project, but the project's not going to start for another three months or the event's not for another three months or whatever. And so we say okay, because we think in three months I'll be fine, or in two months my calendar's going to clear up or whatever. Because we think there's space in between us and that event, we'll say yes. But then I heard this recently is when somebody asks you to do something in the future, ask yourself before you say yes, will I regret this when the event arrives? Will I regret this when the project arrives? Put yourself in that space and time.
And that is just another filter of like, is this something I really, really, to Adam Grant's point, if it's not an enthusiastic yes, I'm going to be super excited when this time arrives because I can hardly wait to jump into this project. It's something I've been dreaming about and I know that it's really going to propel my hope for the business or my hope for this relationship I have or whatever it is. Then we should be saying no.
And I think too often we fall into the trap of, “Well, it's down the road, so I'll just go ahead and say yes and reevaluate later” or something. We should hold true to our commitment and the process no matter when the thing is going to happen.
And I think to your point about time, if we treated our time as precious as we do our money or whatever. Time is the most precious resource we have. We can't get it back. And so we need to treat it more like that. It's this precious thing, it's something I can control, and yet I've somehow lost control of it. And so with our money, we have a savings account and we have a budget. But with our time, we rarely have a budget and we don't have the savings account where we can, maybe two weeks of vacation or whatever.
And sometimes even people have trouble doing that, really disconnecting. And then we pay the price on the other end. Because just to push the metaphor even further, when something happens, when we get sick or whatever, we have no savings account, we haven't saved up for our health, we haven't saved, and I'm talking health in every form. It could be physical, mental, intellectually, spiritually. We are just vacant.
Rob:
And I think that I would even add to that whole idea that time is the most valuable commodity, is time and attention and focus. You can't drive by your priorities. You have to have time to give them your attention. And so many people that I know, that I've coached, that I've worked with or that I've led, they're always like, "Well, I've got time for this scheduled in this block." And I'm always like, "Oh, what kind of task is that?" "Oh, it's a creative task." And I'm like, "Okay, last time I checked, creative tasks don't happen in blocks." They happen in the space between things. And if you try to schedule that stuff, you're in…it's not going to happen.
So I think that one of the things that makes our time more valuable is paring down the number of things that require our attention, that require our focus. And that's only the things that we can control and schedule, that doesn't count for life.
One of the things that I've been trying to be really, really good at is putting every single thing on my work calendar through another calendar that comes in. There's all of the things going on with my kids' school schedules and all this other stuff because I know there's a cost to that stuff. There's a time, there's attention that's going to be needed for me to be at those things. And when I look at making commitments in the future, I have to consider the rest of the context. What holidays are happening around then? That's one thing. What's going on with the school schedule? What's happening with that? What else is going on? How do I—and not imagine just me in the future having dedicated 100% of my focus to do a thing, but do it in context of my life.
Traci:
It's so important. I just had this kind of challenge come up recently because I had a pretty big opportunity brought before me and was weighing it up, should I do this? Should I enter into this? And started to play out what it would look like. And the reason I ended up saying, “No, not now” is because my oldest daughter is going to be a senior next year in high school, and my youngest daughter is going to be a junior. So starting in the fall this year, I will be entering a 24-month, back-to-back senior experience. But it's not just that. It's a back-to-back last years with my kids permanently under my roof.
And I think I had to weigh up, am I willing to sacrifice any of those two years to add this busy thing to my schedule that was going to mean traveling and doing? And it was like, no, no. I just don't care how much money it is or whatever, because those are two years I'm never going to get back. And I can always do this in two years when they're in college and I want to take a trip and I want to do this.
So I think for me, that was a great example of, what are my priorities? What do I want to accomplish in the next year? And to your point, what does my entire life look like? What kind of life do I want to live over the next year or two? And I pictured it, and a big chunk of that is these last two years with my kids. And so then I can plug in what I want to do around that, and it makes everything so much more clear and my priorities so much more clear.
It doesn't mean I'm going to say no to everything over the next two years or not work or anything like that, but I'm going to be very thoughtful about the things that I say yes to, especially the things that are going to take me away from home. And so I think that was my personal choice, but that's the kind of life I want to live.
And I think sometimes we forget to take the time and the space to sit and say, ask that very question, what kind of life do I want to live this year? What do I want it to look like?
Rob:
And I think that gets back to something we've talked a lot about here is that vision for what you want and updating it and maintaining it and having it evolve. We're all different humans than we were when we were younger, and priorities change and context change. And just to sum it up nicely, I think it's that living with intention, right?
Rob:
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Hey Carl.
Carl:
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Rob:
And we really do appreciate it. And if you have any questions, check out bureauofdigital.com. The 2023 event schedule is up and live. And a big change for this year is if you join and become a member, all of the online events are included—and there's some really good ones. You don't want to miss out. So don't wait. Visit bureauofdigital.com.
Rob:
Let's transition just a little bit on talking about self-care. One of the things that I think we need to realize as leaders and as humans is time for relaxing isn't wasted. And I think that the lot of what gets input is the hustle culture, always be on the go, never stop. Are you working towards your goals?
And what I've learned is some of the most successful people that I've ever come across always have scheduled downtime. And one of the things that personally that I've learned is there are times when someone will ask me, "Well, what do you have planned for this weekend?" And I say, "Nothing," and nothing sounds like there's room. And what I mean by nothing at this point in my life is no, I actually have nothing planned. That is the plan. I'm planning for nothing and that nothing is really important to me and it's necessary to do nothing.
Traci:
I've gotten good at saying things like “family time” or “kid time” or “me time” because I think I have a whole chapter of this in my book and the chapter is called personal health. And I talk about oxygen mask, putting your oxygen mask on first, and it's really about energy in, energy out. That's really all it boils down to. We are like automobiles and we have gas tanks, and when the gas tank is empty, we stop running, period. And so we have to look for ways to put the energy in, and we have to look for ways that are protecting who we are as a whole human being.
So protecting our physical body, protecting our mental health, protecting our intellectual health, protecting our spiritual health. And I think if we don't have downtime, that time where we can connect to all those different parts of our body. So say it's physical health, are we going to exercise? Are we going to sleep enough? Are we going to eat healthy? And all those things take time to even think about what kind of food do we want to eat? When are we going to exercise? Can I take a nice long walk with the dog today? Just very simple things. And it's the same with mental health. It's like, am I going to make space to take my journal and go sit on the back porch for 20 minutes and just write? Am I going to book a therapy appointment? Am I spiritually going to meditate for 10 minutes? Am I going to do these things to just recenter myself?
Because all of those things, as simplistic as they are, or as slow as they seem to sound when they come out of my mouth, are filling the tank. And they bring energy, time with girlfriends or time with…depending on your makeup if you're an introvert or an extrovert.
And it's so interesting. I have two kids who are the best of friends, but very, very different. And my daughter, last night, went to a second prom that she was asked to, and it was on a Sunday night. But this morning she said to me, I said, "How are you doing?" And she said, "Ah, just filled with energy. And I was like, "Really? You didn't get home till 11:30 and you were dancing all night and all that?" And she was like, "I know it was the best time. I had the best. I'm just filled with energy." And I thought to myself, that's interesting. She's such an extrovert that even though she probably got less sleep, she exerted so much energy. She was so connected to this group of people that her tank was filled.
And so that's the type of space an extrovert has to give themselves. Their space might look very different from somebody who just wants to sit somewhere and be quiet as they read a nice lovely novel. Where other people are like, "I need to go out to dinner with my five best friends and I'm going to be filled up." These are the types of questions we have to ask ourselves when we're thinking about self-care. What fills my tank and how can I make space for those things that fill my tank?
Rob:
And it's figuring out what those things are and experimenting with it. And there's different kinds of things that each of us needs. For me, I put those kinds of things on my calendar and they're not immovable, but they are not the first place I steal from because I think that's one of the things that I see a pattern in people is it's so easy to steal from your own time because you're out to please other people or help other people or do that. And it's also where the most profound impact on how you feel about moving through things will feel.
So you have to be fiercely protective of that time in order for it to happen. You have to put that mask on yourself. And so for me, that means putting time on my calendar to make sure that I have room to exercise. That means putting time on my calendar, and I have a 30-minute block every day where I can just read. And sometimes that time is really productive and I read a book. Other times I find an article that's interesting, just read that. Or I listen to a podcast, but that time is my time to put things in and I force my, some days I force myself to do it because I don't feel like it, but I know it's what I need.
And I think that's so stinking important is that we just realize that the easiest person to steal from is ourselves. And it's also the most detrimental to the long-term game.
Traci:
It really is. And most sadly, I think definitely post-midlife, we don't typically wake up to this or buy into it fully until something happens to us. We get a diagnosis or we get an ache or pain or it's like our bodies, our one and only body, but it's not going to last forever. It's going to break down.
And the sad thing is we have so much opportunity right now to live long and healthy life. I mean, we have such advancements in medicine. We have such access to information on how to live and how to eat, what to do, and all these things and supplements, and I mean, just endless amounts of good, solid health information out there. But if we don't have the time or space to lean into it or care for ourselves, then the car will break down and we'll be sitting there on cinder blocks, in the hospital, or have lost some sort of capacity and you just can't get it back.
There's no getting it back. And I'm saying all of this, and I'm preaching to myself at the same exact time because it's been a really busy season. And sitting at a desk and writing a book for two years nonstop is the most sedentary I have ever been in my entire life. And it has wreaked havoc on my health. And it's really been a bit of a wake-up call to me because I'm like, "Hey, I'm no spring chicken anymore. I need to, I have to get my head back in the game." But it's those types of projects or commitments or work sprints that can really take us off our game, that can really, we forget to put the oxygen mask on because all we see is the deadline.
And I think it can happen to all of us, even me who was writing about it for an entire chapter. It can happen to. So none of us are immune. All of us have to have that daily renewal of the commitment to ourselves.
Traci:
Hi, Overly Human friends, it's Traci. And if you haven't heard, I wrote a book, it's called "What If There's More? Finding Significance Beyond Success." And it's out right now.
If you're thinking about a career pivot, wanting to follow your dream, or just want to fall back in love with what you do, then I think this book is for you. And if you like what you read, please feel free to head on over and leave me a review. You can learn more at tracischubertbarrett.com and you can find "What if There's More?" wherever you buy books. Thanks!
Rob:
And I think that on that note, we're talking about health stuff, I think that we would be remiss not to mention that there is so much good research out there that suggests that the number one place people steal from in their self-care is sleep. And it is usually the single biggest thing somebody can do to improve chasing their priorities, getting to their goals, their health, and everything else. It is something that we humans need, and it is something that we have to prioritize getting on a regular basis if we're going to be at our best. There's no better way in my experience to feel run down than to start robbing that time of sleep and not refreshing and not being able to wake up and be at my best.
Traci:
And the thing about sleep that's interesting, and I did a bunch of research when I was writing this chapter, is that you don't need massive amounts of sleep. Actually, massive amounts of sleep can be bad for you. You need eight hours.
But here's the kicker. You have to get deep sleep in that eight hours for it to work, for it to really refuel your body. And that's the problem, is either people are getting much less than eight hours, and so they're robbing themselves of sleep or they're getting eight hours, but it's not deep sleep. And that could be because they have just been watching the blue light screen all the way up until they went to bed. And so it takes their body a lot longer to get into the deep REM. They don't sleep in a good environment, they don't sleep well. They get up multiple times a night because of other health issues or because they're worried about things or anxious, and they're having that conversation with themselves at two o'clock in the morning.
So there's all sorts of reasons why, and it's all intertwined together why we can get disjointed sleep. So it's not just about how much you sleep, it's about the good sleep you're getting.
And so it is so important because that's when our body repairs itself, so it doesn't just refuel, it repairs. And so we're all about the telomeres and how long they are, and that's going to shorten our life or lengthen our lives and all that thing and all that repair happens while we're sleeping.
And so I just found the research fascinating. And the sleep doctor that I interviewed in my book, he's actually coming out with the book in the fall, and he is fascinating to talk to. I could just talk to him all day. So when his book comes out, we'll definitely circle back and put a shout-out for him. But I learned so much about sleep from him and how powerful it is and how he can find the root to so many illnesses and so many problems tied back to sleep and how we're sleeping.
Rob:
All right. Traci, any parting thoughts today about prioritizing self-care?
Traci:
Well, I would end with saying, going back to the beginning, which is get your priorities straight by asking yourself the question, what kind of life do I want to live? And then go and make all your decisions against that vision that you have for yourself and know what your priorities are. It's your filter.
Rob:
That's good. I think I'll go a little more practical and say, schedule it. Schedule your time that you need and maybe even schedule more than you need, because if you're in a habit of stealing from it, give yourself space. That's where the magic happens. That's where I think that people have their best ideas. That's where you solve problems. You have to have that space. And I think it's so stinking important, and that's always the first question I have for people is when they say, "I feel stressed out." I'm like, "Well, where's your space? Where's your give?"
I think schedule it, realize it's necessary, and stop telling yourself the lie. That sounds like, "If I only get through X, there'll be something on the other side." That's the trap that we live in with not prioritizing this stuff. That doesn't mean if you start scheduling and start prioritizing, you'll fix all of the commitments you've made in the past instantly, but you have to start today to make the future better.
Traci:
Good words. I love it.
Rob:
All right, thanks, Traci.
Traci:
Thank you.
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The Overly Human Podcast is brought to you by Navigate the Journey and Sparkbox. For more information on this podcast, or to get in touch with Traci or Rob, go to overlyhuman.com. If you like what you've heard, subscribe and tell your friends to listen. Thanks.
