Leading through Insecurity
Feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty can really be a deeper-rooted insecurity. It happens to all of us in some way, and you can see that showing up in a variety of ways. Learn how to be a leader through your insecurities and some strategies for not letting your insecurities define who you are as a leader.
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Rob:
So many times when we pick out a topic, the first thing I do is just try to come up with a good definition. And I did the same thing preparing for this topic: talking about leading through insecurity. And when I looked up insecurity, the definition I found that I really liked is "Insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy (not being good enough) and uncertainty. It produces anxiety about your goals, relationships, and ability to handle certain situations. Everybody deals with insecurity from time to time. It can appear in all areas of our life and can come from a variety of causes.”
And I think it's a really good place to start today, is when we're talking about leading through insecurity this isn't something that just happens to people who are the shadow version of themselves or the people who aren't doing a good job. It happens to all of us in some way, even though it definitely happens to people who aren't doing a good job. And you can see that showing up in a variety of ways.
So let's dive in and talk a little bit about what it looks like to lead through that insecurity and how to become aware of it and how to work through it, not let it work through you.
Announcer:
Welcome to the Overly Human Podcast where we discuss all things human in the workplace. Because it's not just business—it's personal too.
Rob:
Good morning, Traci.
Traci:
Good morning.
I love it. Yeah, it's a great topic to talk about because I hope that people will listen to this and be self-reflective. I think that in my coaching, what I've seen with clients is that much of what they struggle with and much of what people around them are seeing, is due to insecurities. It's rooted in some sort of insecurity that they've struggled with. And so part of the reason why I often get my clients to go back a little bit and try to find out and figure out where those insecurities started, is because when we can get to the root of it and see it for what it is and then see how we're trying so desperately to heal that wound, then we can see that we need to outgrow that experience. So oftentimes, insecurities are rooted in something to that happened to us in our childhood.
In your definition, you said you feel like you're not good enough. And so for some people, deep-rooted insecurity can be you were put down as a child, you were held back, you suffered some sort of experience, or words were said to you or some sort of indignity was experienced by you and now you're working really hard to get your dignity back. And these are all real and awful things that we can experience as children. And some people will do the work and they'll say, "You know what? I'm not going to let this define me. I'm really going to do the work to heal and to grow and to find a healthy way to deal with my insecurities." And then others will push them down and they will work really, really, really hard to make up for what happened in the past.
And so it's a crossroads. You have to pick which one you're going to go down. But I think where it starts to rear its ugly head is when we get older as adults and we have to take on responsibility and we have deeper, broader relationships. And when we're in the workplace and we're leaders and we're leading people, it's really hard for the people around us to make sense of why we're acting the way we're acting. And for us, sometimes it can also be hard for us to make sense.
And we know we have insecurities. But the thing is, insecurities don't go away with age. Oftentimes we think like, “Oh, well, when I just turn 40, I won't feel this way anymore. I won't be insecure. I'm going to be finally, I'm going to be confident and finally, I'm going to be able to handle it.” But if you live with insecurity and you don't do the work, you're going to die insecure. You will take it to your deathbed. So you either are going to have to do the work and outgrow it, or it's going to just be sitting with you no matter how old you get.
Rob:
And that's just the way all this stuff is. We talk about this with emotions. You can either work with your emotions and realize emotions are a part of who you are, or you can let your emotions control you. And the same thing with insecurities. You can either be aware of them and work with them and work around them or work to address them eventually. Or if you try to ignore them, they become the master of you and they will control your behavior. And I think that's where we see a lot of the shadow self and the worst-case scenario coming from, is those insecurities that are controlling people. And I can't tell you how many times over my career and even my life, where somebody has done something that I'm just scratching my head. I'm like, how is that the logical output? Why would you do that? And it's because we don't understand what's really in control.
Traci:
And oftentimes it's confusing because people who are insecure, typically they want to be liked. So initially they come across really being nice and they really want you to like them and they want to be helpful and all of that. It's when you push against that, or especially when they get put into leadership positions, where you'll start to see hints of it. They can't take feedback. They won't admit their mistakes. They micromanage. They're not curious because they think they have all the answers. They won't ask for help. They blame shift. They take credit for other people's work.
And oftentimes what we see too, and I see this, I can pinpoint it pretty quickly when we're doing 360’s or I'm coaching, is that they don't want to raise up other leaders. They feel threatened. They feel like they're competitive with a lot of people. And sometimes you can't figure that out because you're like, “Well, wait a second. You're the leader, so why do you feel threatened?” They think they're going to be overthrown or something. And so a lot of their fears are rational.
But again, it's because they're rooted in these insecurities that they've harbored for a really long time. So sometimes like you were just saying, you're thinking, this seems so irrational. Why are they acting this way? Or, we all make mistakes or nobody has all the answers. So it seems irrational. It seems weird to us when we see people act this way. Like, “Why wouldn't you take feedback? Don't you want to grow?” And it's because it hasn't broken through to them. They haven't had that self-awareness moment where it's like it takes so much more effort to do all the things we just said. To not ask for help, to not admit your mistakes, to blame shift, to think of everybody as competition. It's exhausting.
And a lot of times when I'm coaching leaders with all these insecurities, they're exhausted and they don't know why. And I think they don't realize the freedom in saying, "I messed up. I don't have the answers. I need you to help me. I need some feedback. I need other great leaders around me." They don't realize that that is so freeing and it's such a more joyful work experience, but it's hard for them to get there and do the work.
Rob:
Well, it's that time again where we thank our sponsor, The Bureau of Digital, a community of digital makers that all get together and share and support each other. And today we have a special treat. Carl, the head of the bureau is here with us.
Hey Carl.
Carl:
Hey everybody. Thank you for having me be on the show. We don't sponsor any other podcasts. And when I listened to what y'all were doing, I was like, “We need to support them. We need to find a way that we can help.” So I was like, ah, we'll be a sponsor!
Rob:
And we really do appreciate it. And if you have any questions, check out bureauofdigital.com. The 2023 event schedule is up and live. And a big change for this year is if you join and become a member, all of the online events are included—and there's some really good ones. You don't want to miss out. So don't wait. Visit bureauofdigital.com.
Rob:
And it's exactly that. Some of those kind of individuals, they'll take it all on and believe they have to have all the answers. And when they don't, it'll feed that insecurity even more. And then they'll dig deeper and deeper and deeper. And one of the most freeing things of being a leader is realizing you don't have to have all the answers. That's not what you're there for. You are not the smartest person in the room always. You don't have to be.
What we need you to be, is the most aware person in the room. That is the most valuable thing for a leader to be, is aware of what's going on both inside of them and externally. That's a superpower for leaders, is when they can move outside of their own head and outside of the things that are either done to them or the baggage that they carry and be able to operate elsewhere and then let the people shine around them.
People who are insecure hire people that they can control and they look for opportunities to micromanage and they look for opportunities to make it about them because they want everyone to say and to think that they had a part in doing this well. And the best leaders I've worked for have been the people that have been involved, behind the scenes facilitating things, and then passing praise down.
One of the things we talk about a lot at Sparkbox is we want leaders who are two things. One, the first to jump on problems or grenades. Want there to be a race of all the leaders jumping on the problems first and taking responsibility for them. And the second to push as much praise down as possible.
Traci:
Yeah. And I think this is really a good sort of test as a leader or even just a coworker, if you're listening to this and you're thinking, “Hm. Are my insecurities affecting how I work or how I show up?” And these are some of the questions you have to ask yourself is, am I scared to ask for help? Am I scared to admit mistakes? Am I threatened by other people? Do I feel like when other people are successful, do I feel icky inside and do I not like it? Am I micromanaging people? Do I have mentors or have I been rejecting feedback? Or how do I feel when I'm having my annual review? Am I defensive and do I not receive that feedback well? And do I push back on every point? And do I want people to be dependent on me? And do I need constant affirmation?
So if you're answering yes to any of these things I'm saying, then maybe there's some insecurity, and that's okay. We all have them. It's just recognizing it and saying, "You know what? I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't want to feel threatened and competitive and that I have to take credit for everything or that I'm putting other people down. I don't want to operate. I want to be a better version of myself. So how can I get there? How can I stop being this insecure leader that has to ..."
And we see this…Another great example is somebody has to have the title. They just can't stand not being the boss, or they just can't stand not getting up that next rung up the ladder. They just have to have that affirmation, not because they feel like they've naturally evolved to that position, but it's the power, the title, the recognition that they're really longing for.
And so if we see this in other people or we see it in ourselves, it's taken a time out and saying, "All right, I don't want to live the rest of my life insecure. I don't want to show up insecure. I don't want to be seen this way."
And the big secret here that we're going to let you in on is, you might be the last person to know because everybody around you sees this. Everybody around you sees this, that is close to you. Because that's why they call them blind spots as they're blind to you, but they're not blind to the people around you. So you have nothing but upside to get after this and to really, really shift your life.
Rob:
And just a small words of wisdom here is if you've been leading this way for a long time, you may have eliminated anybody willing to give you feedback. And you may have found yourself surrounded by people who just expect you to be insecure and are no longer willing to help you get over it, or that people who are also have that same insecurity and are going to be uncomfortable in that place.
So these kinds of things can not only impact you as a leader in your direct reports, but your entire organization if left to fester long enough. So not saying that's always the case, but I've seen cases where you start peeling away the onion and it gets, it's like, “Oh, okay, we've just got that…That's become the organizational culture.”
Traci:
Yeah. And it's really if you started a company—because we see this sometimes with business owners, where when I start coaching or whatever, they'll tell me every awful boss they've ever had, everybody they've worked for is always awful. And so they just decided to start their own company. And it's like, okay, so if you started your own company or you moved your way up the ladder as a default because you really think everybody around you is less than you, what happens is then you become the leader and you're kind of lording over your people. And we've talked about this in past episodes. It's a recipe for disaster. And it's really hard when you have people working for you because they have to work for you, not because they want to work for you.
And so really looking at how you view other people, what is the story that you're telling yourself, and how is that story basically shading the way you look at other people? Do you see the good in other people or do you see the bad? Are you looking for the flaws in them? Are you looking for the good in them that you want to lift up and hold up?
Rob:
And when we talk about overly human and we talk about all the wonderful things that make humans, humans. There's also some parts of our humanity that gets in our own way.
One of the things that humans do is if we don't like the story, we'll make up a new one and we will tell this story to ourselves and make ourselves the hero of that story. And almost in spite of the facts that exist, and this is one of the most dangerous places where insecurities can lead to some really dark side stuff, is making up a story that gets rid of the actual facts, put yourself in the hero position, and then makes everybody who's giving you feedback or telling you anything else, the enemy. And you will continue to shape that narrative to where they have to be the bad guy, and you can stay the hero so that you can preserve the brain chemistry that your brain wants to be in.
And I know we've both seen different cases over the years where people believe the stories that they've made up because it is central to their origin story. They're hero origin story. It's important to them. They're tied up into that identity, and that is like this run amok.
Traci:
Yeah. And it's because in the past, especially when they had less power and control, which is when we're children, we are not the authority figures. So we feel this lack of control. And if we didn't feel like we were the hero in our story, we will spend a lot of our adulthood trying to rewrite that narrative in not a healthy way.
So the healthier way is to really understand that your experience, while wrong, is not going to dictate the rest of your life. So can you heal that wound in the right way? Can you go back and go there and reframe that trauma and really start to build your identity based on true things, who you are, and what your gifting is as opposed to creating this entire false narrative and trying hard to be something you're not and trying to paint this picture to the world.
Because then you get to a point where you can't even live up to the picture you painted and you're exhausted and you're feeling like your whole life is smoke and mirrors, and you're trying to juggle all the balls because if you drop one of them, people are going to find you out. And then you're going to feel exactly as you did when you were that child.
And this is deep, deep stuff that we're talking about. And it takes not being scared of therapy, it takes not being scared to go back to that childhood moment and to think about your past. That's super painful for people who are like this. They don't want to go there. They want to avoid it. They feel safer in the narrative they've created in their life now than to go back and heal those wounds.
But the thing is, you have a long life ahead of you, hopefully, and a lot of lives you're going to touch. And let's just admit that you're exhausted and that this is hard. And I promise you the freedom and relief and also the positive impact you're going to have on people as opposed to the negative impact you're going to have on people, is so worth the work.
Rob:
Yeah, absolutely. It's that whole having the humility, working towards the humility to be able to admit your mistakes. The wisdom to try to do better, and to even embrace where I've been in the past so that I can be something different.
Some of the wisest mentors I've had have been like, their stories and their wisdom is all rooted in mistakes they've made and how they recognized that and they overcame that. And I think that's a really powerful way to turn our insecurities and the things that happened to us in the past or mistakes that we've made, into tomorrow's wisdom and to do better. But it takes that humility and the ability to look back and say, "No, I didn't have this figured out," or "I was leading with fear."
Traci:
Yeah. That's so true. Is a lot of what you're doing rooted in fear? And I think the best mentors and coaches are the people who will listen to you and then push back a little bit on the stories you're telling yourself and say things like "Is that really true?" Or "Is that really what they meant?" Or "I just want to get a clearer picture. How did they say that to you?" They're really pushing back and they're really trying to figure out the facts around what you're telling them.
And they're say like... Oh gosh, I have this mentor, this mentor I've had in my life for a very long time, and she is amazing. And I'll call her when I'm in a pickle no matter what it is. With the kids, with work, whatever. And sometimes I'll just be venting or I'll say something and she'll say, "Did you hear what you just said? Is that really what you mean? Is that really how you feel?" And it's like, she's no nonsense. And I have to have that in my life because even if I'm not an insecure leader, I'm going to have some insecure moments.
And so you need to have people in your life who are going to help you see when you've gotten a little off track or when you've started to tell yourself a story that's not true. And when you need to be pulled back into reality, reframe and move forward.
Traci:
Hi, Overly Human friends, it's Traci. And if you haven't heard, I wrote a book, it's called "What If There's More? Finding Significance Beyond Success." And it's out right now.
If you're thinking about a career pivot, wanting to follow your dream, or just want to fall back in love with what you do, then I think this book is for you. And if you like what you read, please feel free to head on over and leave me a review. You can learn more at tracischubertbarrett.com and you can find "What if There's More?" wherever you buy books. Thanks!
Rob:
Or you've been hurt. That's the way this shows up a lot is talking through something. “And I just feel, I just feel.” And at the root of that is hurt. Something that you felt that was done to you that took away something else. And I think that I don't know if it's all the stuff in society. We're not in a rush oftentimes to admit when we've been hurt and how that impacts us. And it shows up in all kinds of crazy ways when we don't just call things what they are.
Traci:
Right. And it's hard, and I know there are probably some people listening to this that are like, that probably aren't insecure leaders, but they know the person they work for or they work with is, and it's a really painful place to be. And I've had, if I haven't had this question a million times, sometimes even doing webinars I'll get the question, you've seen this when we've done web things together, or people will say, "Should I keep working for this person? I think they're a narcissist." And it's super painful to work for people who are leading through their insecurities and don't want to get better. They don't want to fix it, or they don't want to see it. And then you're working for them and you're like, “is this ever going to change?”
And because it's hard, especially if they're a true blue narcissistic leader, and we don't use that word lightly. We can all have narcissistic tendencies, but if you're working for a true blue narcissistic leader, that's a really, really, really hard place to be. And a true blue narcissist is not somebody that's going to take action. They don't want to change. They feel it's just too much for them to bear to face those insecurities. They don't want to admit, they want people to see them in a certain way, and they don't want that veneer at all touched. And you know this one sign is if you challenge a narcissistic leader or you try to hold them back from something, their anger is intense. The heat is intense because they have to be successful and they don't want to be judged.
So if you're in that situation, then I think that's a hard situation to stay in. I don't typically advise people to stay in. But if you're working for a leader, you can tell is insecure, but you feel like they're just not aware of it or there's just hints of this, then hopefully just some coaching or some therapy or some self-awareness will help them just start working.
Again, we don't need a perfect person. We just need somebody who's making a little bit of progress and working towards a better version of themselves. So I always come from the place of hope. Every new client I take on, my position is hope, because I know if they're showing up for coaching in the first place, it's like AA. It's like at first admitting you have a problem and you want to have help. I think the world of people who show up for coaching, because I'm like, “Wow, you're taking the first step, which means you want to be a better version of yourself.” And that's fabulous.
And I think if you see your leader or the people around you wanting to engage, give them grace, give them room to grow, give them room to be better, because it takes time and all of their triggers are still going to be there. But if you give them grace while they're doing the work, you're going to see improvement.
Rob:
Yeah, progress over perfection, because practice makes progress. Practice does not make perfection.
Traci:
Exactly.
Rob:
Perfection doesn't exist.
Traci:
It doesn't.
Rob:
New insecurities will show up because you keep living life, you keep going through things, there'll be new ways they show up, or you'll uncover other ones. Sometimes when you dig past the first one that's been in control, there's another one waiting there to do something and show up in unique ways. This is the work.
Traci:
Yeah, absolutely. This is the work. Good words.
Rob:
Thanks, Traci. Always appreciate it.
Traci:
Yeah, thank you.
Announcer:
The Overly Human Podcast is brought to you by Navigate the Journey and Sparkbox. For more information on this podcast, or to get in touch with Traci or Rob, go to overlyhuman.com. If you like what you've heard, subscribe and tell your friends to listen. Thanks.
